Friday, March 2, 2018

Even If

Sometimes I don't remember what it was like to speak only English. Not British English, not Kinya-English, just plain English. I'm not fluent in Kinyarwanda, or even close to it, but you learn enough to move around; you use the Kinyarwanda words when you have them, occasionally some French or Kiswahili may be helpful, or you can just pull out the English words that you know are most familiar to your Kinyarwanda speaking friends, and it all just becomes this jumbled mess. So, sometimes I have a hard time remembering what's "correct". 

What I'm trying to get to is, and I can't remember if this will make sense, 'even if' is a full sentence around here. In fact, it's kind of become our unofficial family motto. So much so that I was telling one of the boys that I would like a huge, blown up print of just the words "even if." at our new house. It covers a multitude of topics. For instance, if I make fun of one of the boys clothing selections, I get the duck-face-one-shoulder-shrug, "Even if". (Translation: Even if you don't like it, I know I look good.) Or when someone tries to take my....anything (clothes, perfume, bags...) and I say it's for girls, thinking I could change their mind, and they respond with "Even if!" Not all "even if"s are cute. Some are hard even if you don't like it.... even if it hurts.... even if you're sorry.... even if we're not together.... I love you. Even if.


And now for the point: I got several really sweet messages from people who were worried or concerned about me, our family, our house... and I just wanted to say thank you so much. We are fine. We will be fine. This is our life, and we are so incredibly blessed, even if. 

Maybe you know that I always stumble around talking about callings; I don't know if God called me here, to Rwanda. I think that He called me to Him and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He met me, here. He has used me and more than that He has changed me and challenged me and grown me in ways I could never put into words. And that hasn't happened because it's been easy. He carries us and He has never, not for one second, not proven Himself to be faithful. Even if.

Life is hard here, that's just reality. It's uncomfortable more than it's not and I think that's often putting it lightly, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Even if I don't like it. Yes, we fight, but we are fighting for something so much bigger than ourselves. And, ultimately, when I can breathe, I appreciate that. I want to be brave with my life. Brave for Him, brave for my family, brave for my friends. And being brave requires taking risks. Looking back over the last 7 years, I can't think of a time that I stepped out in brave faith and came to regret it. (I can think of a few cowardly regrets....) I know that this little blip in time will be no different. Even if it's overwhelmingly difficult, it's more than worth it in the long run. Like, the eternally long run.  

Thank you for caring. Thank you for taking the time to reach out with kind words, support, and prayers. It's never my intention to downplay what's happening, not the good or the bad, because the sweet spot is right smack in the middle. We are thankful more than we could say. xo


PS. We got the final, scary budget to finish the house and we have about a month to raise it and get the work done. It feels daunting and I don't want to use this blog to publicize our personal financial needs, however if you are interested in helping push us over this last hurdle, shoot me an email and I'll shoot you one back with the breakdown. tarajill.clapper@gmail.com

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