"I decided the most subversive, revolutionary thing I could do was show up for my life and not be ashamed." -Anne Lamott
It took a while to feel like I had anything to say here, or I guess anything I felt like I could wrap mind around enough to, at least, get into complete sentences. And I'm not exactly sure what it is I feel like I'm supposed to say now, except that I keep getting this ever so slight nudge. This feeling that I need to get it out, that it matters. This feeling that is long, crazy, (seemingly) dry, 'season' is meant for something; all the hurt and confusion, all the loneliness, all the sleepless nights... Last year, I lost myself. Or maybe I just hid myself because I somehow wasn't enough; wasn't good enough or smart enough.. Maybe I had heard Him wrong.
As someone who has continually handed God the broken and shattered pieces of my life and watched Him turn them into something beautiful, I know that He wastes nothing. No mistakes, no pain, no prayers, no tears, and no opportunity for growth. I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am and who He created me to be; about the place I hold in the world and the responsibilities that come with that. I guess I've been pondering what's required of me. What do I carry that was never mine to hold up and what is He actually asking me to step up and own? Hiding myself and denying my experiences over this last year made me feel worse. Like, if I could just tell you the truth, the heart-wrenching, messy truth, I could breathe. So, I think my only responsibility is to own the story I've been given and to understand that just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's not worth it, and just because it doesn't always look pretty doesn't mean it's not beautiful. And just because I ended up taking a hard-right when others thought I should go left, doesn't mean I'm off course.
I went into last year on my knees. And then I got kicked to my face. Now that the dust has settled, I don't think I'm mad about it. Per our usual, He met me there. The circumstances forced me to pray in new ways. For the first time, I think, I began to pray, not for any of it to go away, but for the strength to walk though it. To endure. I prayed that He would go before me to clear a path and that He would come in behind me and clean up the mess. And He does because He promised He would. But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the LORD will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard. Isaiah 52:12
Last year, I thought He wanted to break me. And maybe He did. But this year, I brought those broken pieces right back to His feet and I think that's a win. I am learning, again, to believe in myself. To trust that I DO hear His voice. The Author has chosen me for this story and all I am is enough.
"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool." -Theodore Isaac Rubin