Thursday, March 24, 2016
At Your Darkest
"I loved you at your darkest." I can't get the words out of my mind. I hear these exact words 54 times a day; I swear, the birds chirp them and the wind blows them around. I decided to look it up and see where this sentence came from. I was pretty sure the quote (for me) originated on Pinterest; however I wasn't sure if it was scripture or just a sweet sentiment. Turns out, it was a little bit of both. When I looked it up, it had Romans 5:8 attached to it; "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." So, the words aren't straight scripture, but that doesn't make it any less true. He did love me at my darkest. And He still does. He is in the business of rescuing; then and now.
Dang, y'all. Hi. It's been a long, hard season (I hate that word) and while I don't think it's over just yet, I do feel like I am coming up for air. The thing about seasons is, when do they end?! Because I think that's the dumbest (read:hardest) part, the gut-wrenching endurance long, hard seasons require. The least they could do is come with an expiration date. That would be kind. I was looking back through my prayer journal this morning and realized that for three years I've been basically praying for the same three things:
For Innocent: "I love that boy with my whole heart. I don't know why I do, but I think it's from You. I believe he is destined for greatness and I think that, together, he and I will bring glory to Your name. Did you tell me that? Could you speak a little louder, please?" April 16, 2013
For No.41: "So this is a training in trust. A lesson in grace. A display of faith. I trust you, God. And I guess I'm going to fall on my face often, but I have seen enough yesterdays to know that tomorrow is in good hands." May 7, 2013
For a husband: "And while we're at it, could you please send my husband? I need him. I know that he is amazing and strong. Smart and funny. He's crazy, but the best kind of crazy. And he's slow. I need him." April 18th, 2013
So this long season.... I'm not sure this has been my darkest (because I know the Light), but it may be one of my lowest or maybe just the one with the hardest fought battles. I wasn't sure how to talk about it, so I didn't. But I needed to. I do need to, because this little white piece of space on the internets feels like therapy to me. And I've missed it. This last year, I began to spiral. Life got hard and I stuffed it down. I stuffed and stuffed and then I stuffed a bunch of "help" on top of it; leadership books and 'Get Organized' blogs, 15 Ways to Deal with Attachment Disorder, Non-Profits for Dummies.... Why is it so much easier to believe the worst things we say to ourselves (or let others say) than the best? Don't worry, I'm not going to unload it all now, but I am going to try to do that (in the least Debbie Downer way) going forward. Do people blog anymore? Because I think I'm about to start.
Posted by Tara Clapper at 5:38 PM