Tuesday, July 23, 2013

coming out on the other side.


Well, I'm home. And it's weird.
It's weird because it's not weird. Most of the time....

For the first time in 2 years, my life feels....normal.
I feel normal.
This is what I know.
It's normal with the Madre. It's normal to eat Mexican food with the girls (and Austin). And it's normal loving on their babies. It's normal to get in the car and go, whenever I want. It's normal walking through the church doors feeling like I'm home. It's normal (and glorious) walking through Target.

I realize I've only been home 4 full days, but no one has asked me for a single dollar. That's good, because I don't have one. No one from the utilities company has come to my house to collect on a bill that I have already paid once (and now twice). No one has called me a single name based on the color of my skin. I haven't been quizzed on Rwandan tax or immigration laws in nearly a week. My feet are clean, my hair smells nice, my 'uniform' has been retired. My time in Rwanda was the most beautiful, faith-building, life-changing, isolating, painfully difficult two years of my life. And now, I've turned the page. It's time to start a new chapter.

And I say all of that to say, it feels good to be home. I'm happy, I'm fine.
But I'm different.

I used to be sorry for that. Or embarrassed. Last summer when I came home to visit, I came home because I was on the verge of a breakdown. I joked about it (and still do), but it was very real. I wanted everyone to think that I was fine, and that I was still my flighty, silly, laid back self. The truth is, I wasn't healthy. And maybe I'm not now either. I want to be conscious and lean into that this time around. Not in a negative way, but in a I want to be true to myself and what I've learned and experienced kind of way. I want to be intentional with the people in my life and I want to be intentional with my own heart.

I sure do miss my Rwandan family, my little box that loved me so well when nobody else seemed to know what to do with me. And I miss my boy more than I could ever put into words. But I know that they are good, too. Everyone is exactly where they need to be. Moving forward, dreaming big, waiting on Him.

I'm so thankful for it all. I'm excited and expectant for what lies ahead. We have all dug a ton of ditches and now we just wait for rain. :)


Wynne Elder said...

I love you and your heart. thank you for living your story out loud and being transparent and REAL along the way. praying for your transition home!

Vanessa said...

Wonderful post...I like your blog.^^
Maybe follow each other on bloglovin?
Let me know follow you then back.
Lovely greets Nessa

NYCJILL@gmail.com said...

I love how beautifully transparent you have become. I've thought and prayed for you often over the past few years. I love you, girl. I'm praying for you and your transition back into the states.

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