So, I guess this is the obligatory New Year post. I've never been one for resolutions. I'm not a list maker and, let's be honest, I'm just not that organized. I've been winging it for a while now. It works for me.
“Over the last year I’ve been repeating one prayer with great urgency: ‘Lord, do something unpredictable and uncontrollable.’ That’s a scary prayer . . . but it doesn’t scare me nearly as much as a life void of holy surprises. And you can’t have it both ways. If you want God to surprise you, you have to give up control. You will lose a measure of predictability but you will begin to see God move in uncontrollable ways!” -Mark Batterson, The Circle Maker
This last year year did a number on me. I have been pushed and pulled, squeezed and stretched. I have stepped further outside of myself than I ever thought possible. He has done some work with this little dodo. But I would say, He's done an ever greater work in this little dodo. I have seen Him move. And I have been changed.
I am changing. It feels slow. And painful.
I don't know how to write it out. I find myself very melancholy. Shut off. I want to hide, come out when this is all over. It feels messy and ugly. I'm not who I want to be, but I feel His hand. I know He is shaping me. Preparing me.
Sometimes, I breakdown and wonder how many times your heart can break and still continue to beat.
Sometimes, I wonder how full your heart can get before it bursts.
Sometimes, those moments happen in the same day.
I used to know what I was doing. But that's just it, it's what I was doing. I was comfortable, in control. It felt good to say yes to the small things. One small yes. Step. Another small yes. Step. Another. Step. But I guess if you never come to the edge, what are your stepping for?
This year found me in a free fall. I bungee jumped several months ago, so let me just talk this out. When you first jump from the platform it's a rush, you can't believe you just did this. You did this. Then, you get to the bottom, and think, Please, God, let this stupid towel around my ankles hold. That's like your 'what have I done moment'. And I think that's where I am now. Questioning every piece of equipment (that's me) and begging the towel to hold (that's God).
I couldn't be more thankful for this journey that I am on. And the people that I get to do this with, I couldn't possibly deserve. But I wouldn't be true to myself or our story if I didn't talk about the struggles. They are many. And they are worth it.
Because, once you realize that the towel held, you bounce back up. Even higher next time. Here's to you, 2013!