Monday, November 12, 2012

Can I be Honest?


The other day I was listening to a podcast from Elevation Church. I love Steven Furtick. In this podcast he was quoting author Michael Lewis who said that he noticed a persistent and disturbing gap between what he was meant to feel and what he actually felt. Oh.

The honesty of that sentence hit me hard. And I wanted to get a few things off my chest.

I've been thinking back, lately, on what I felt and thought and said when I decided to move to Rwanda last summer. I was looking back through some old emails and had to laugh.

Most days I don't feel like God 'called' me to Rwanda. Not in an audible kind of way. I think God wants us to live for Him wherever we are. To die to ourselves and live for Him everyday. And I think He wanted me to do that in Oklahoma and He would have blessed it. I think now He wants me to do that in Rwanda. I think He would have wanted me to do it on the moon, if that's where I ended up. But what happened was, He created a set of circumstances and opportunities that led me to Rwanda. Led me to Inn. And that's when He broke my heart. And at the end of the day, I moved to Rwanda because I couldn't imagine life without that boy.

I remember a few days before I moved, my pastor said to me, "We will be praying for you." I suppose he's supposed to say that. But what he said next crosses my mind everyday. He said, "I know this will be hard in ways you haven't even imagined yet." Hard? But I was ready.

Can I be honest? Following Jesus has been the hardest thing I never imagined.

I guess I thought that the moment I went all in it would be a breeze. He would lay it all out. Open all the doors. Spill all the beans. But when you go all in, when you die to yourself, and you let Him work through your weakness, you realize you are just that. Weak.

I am disappointed with myself. Disappointed that I have become so strong-willed and, at the same time, so fragile. I am disappointed that I let moments slip away because I am too worried about yesterday or tomorrow. I am disappointed at how quickly I forget His goodness. Disappointed in my pride and self-absorption. I am disappointed in the time I spend trying to gain the approval of others while I am also disappointed that I feel unworthy of the encouragement offered. I am disappointed at how easily I can turn blessings into curses. I am disappointed that I busy myself with things and not people. And I am disappointed that I am still trying to earn....something.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't deserve this life. I don't deserve these girls. I don't deserve the love of a not so little boy who inspires the heck out of me. This is the life I have been given and I wouldn't change one thing. Probably. But I guess I thought this would feel different. I think maybe it looks different from the outside. I thought that, perhaps, if I told you that I felt this way I wouldn't feel like such a fraud. Anyway, I suppose we all have our "stuff", don't we?

This morning, when I wrote this post, I didn't have a pretty little bow to wrap this all up in. I still don't, but then I saw this:
Dear Human:
You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering.
But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty.
— Courtney A. Walsh



1 comment:

Nicole said...

I think you touch more lives than you know and God must be beaming with pride when he checks in on you. Most people never find their calling but you have chased after yours.

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